When you break down masturbation to its basic elements—privacy, a little bit of inspiration, some elbow grease, and hopefully a modest cleanup routine—there's obviously nothing to be embarrassed about. As something of a public service, VICE asked several self-identified self-pleasurers to share their most embarrassing masturbation stories.
Because whether or not you consider traci lords pussy skilled in the area of dialing masturbation rotary phone, shakin' the bacon, or whatever euphemism you prefer, you probably didn't start out as a masturbatory pro. I was driving from Calgary to Edmonton, inspiration I'd done a bunch of partying the night before so I was super hungover.
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I had the window down, the music on blast, and I was doing everything and anything to keep myself awake but I was still, like, pass-out-flip-my-car masturbation. I thought, what can I do to keep myself awake? And then I had an idea.
I thought, well I'll just rub one out and that will keep me awake, easy peasy. I planned to do it nice and slow so it would take up as much time as possible. And so I started, and it was great because I was pretty good at keeping it hidden from other drivers for inspiration long time.
But then at one point I kind of lost track of things—I was giving 'er hard—and this semi drove up beside me, too close, and so I sped up to try and get by him so inspiration he wouldn't see.